Reflective Sunday....

No pictures today, even though I could have taken some of something that my kiddos have done. I just have been amazed at the way that God has spoken to me in the last few weeks, and how this has affected (effected? I always get these mixed up!) my mood, my spirit, my day to day living.

When Sarah and I went to Tanger earlier this week, I picked up a devotional book by Beth Moore. It was on sale...big sale...and I like Beth Moore, so I thought I would give it a try. I will admit that this is an area in which I fail many days...finding the time, the quiet, the aloneness to spend time with God. My children, all three of the big ones, each spend time in devotion and quiet time with God, and this just blows me away and humbles me that they do a better job at this than I manage to. I praise the Lord for ELCA and our church, who have instilled in them the importance of this, when I have not been able to lead by example.

I have ended up doing my devotion twice a day--once before even getting out of bed, and then the other, by flashlight, as I am going to sleep. I figured that this was a perfect way to begin and end my day... in God's word,...and get my heart and mind in the right place to begin the night/day. After my devotion on Friday, a verse just kept coming to me...a verse that wasn't even in my lesson for that day: Jeremiah 29:11. So I looked it up to read it again, and then read on. I have heard this verse so many times, but never heard what comes after:

For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord. Plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Plans to give you a hope and a future. Then you will come to me, and pray to me, and I will listen to you. And you will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.

The italicized part is the part that really spoke to me. How many times do I seek God's presence with every fiber of my being? When is the last time that I gave up my own desires, my own worries, my own need for control, and just sought God's will, God's presence, God's peace?

Then this morning, as I was getting ready for church, a song kept going through my head--it's a contemporary song called "Going Through The Motions," about someone just going through the motions of worship. I hadn't heard it on the radio that morning, nor do I particularly like it. Yet it kept running through my head. A nudge maybe to really lose myself in the study of God's word, the singing, the message, the worship?

Finally, during the special this morning, the song was all about giving up your burdens to the Lord. Leaving them at His feet. And while I feel I have done it...and have gone through the motions of doing it over and over...especially in the last two weeks, have I really?

Isn't it amazing how God will speak to you when you make it a priority to listen? Had I not been through the last 20 days of anxiety, sleeping issues, depression, worry, doubt, would I be in the position to listen to Him? Indeed, He knows the plans He has for me.

Arrrr, Matey

Tonight's "You wanna play with me?" turned into a dress up session. She doesn't have any real dress up clothes, so she collected all of my e-bay castoffs--the things that didn't sell--and brought them into the living room and instructed us how to put them on. A long sleeved onesie ended up as my "eyepatch" and Josh's eyepatch was a bib. The beautiful ruffled Christmas dress was my pirate dress....

And I know that the quality of this picture is horrible...but couldn't resist. With a pair of leggings and a long sleeved shirt on her head, she was so happy with her pirate costume!

Good for what ails you...

Yesterday, when we went shopping, I thought I was scoring a great deal by finding a pair of "crocs" for Hannah for $3.99. They weren't real crocs, but she loved them, and she could put them on by herself. An hour later, after wearing them for most of the time, she ended up with horrendous blisters, and being the good momma that I am....I had NO bandaids. (What kind of mom has no bandaids???? Especially with Daryl, who impales himself on construction equipment nearly every day???) So today, when I was out, I picked up three boxes of bandaids...Barbie, Elmo, and Dora. She loved them and surprised me by being able to open them and put them on all by herself!

And yes...she did have two on each foot, poor baby!!!

tThen what better to mend a momma's heart than to have all her children home where they belong. Here is Maddy, my brown little bug, just home from Tybee with Olivia where she kayaked (sp?), swam, and stalked Miley Cyrus!

I wasn't the only one glad to see her. Hannah and Maddy were so happy to see each other that they were dancing!

Joy amidst the darkness

I won't lie. These have been some dark days for me this last week. When this anxiety grips my heart, my mind, my body, it is all encompassing, threatening to break me at any minute. I struggle daily to calm my mind and spirit, but find that sitting and doing nothing makes it worse. So I have been trying to keep as busy as I can. I know that this so does not follow the "fifteen minutes up for every 45 minutes down" rule. But I do know that I have 4 other children to take care of...and I can not function when the fear, the panic, the anxiety grips me. I haven't been able to eat all week--and that is a first for me. NOTHING, and I mean nothing, has ever taken my appetite, but I have found myself gagging at even trying to put food in my mouth, and have lost 7 pounds. I know this is not good for the baby, as well as the lack of sleep, and so I choose to be up a little bit more and involved a whole lot more than I have been this summer. To get my myself out of my own head. To think about and be involved in something else than my own suffering.

So a little bit of fun, a little bit of joy from today...

"walking" Little Phil (or you could say Little Phil was walking Sarah!)

Finding "venture" in the yard, but no rolie polies :( Here is Sarah watching Hannah as she explored the front yard!

A tea party with real tea...

Trying on Sarah's new shoes!
Sarah has been such a dear this last week. She knows how I have not been sleeping, and has made a pallet on the floor for Hannah in her room. She has been sleeping with her and taking care of her during the night for me...such a big help. So today, we headed for Tanger and got her a little something just for her...for giving so much of herself this week. The shoes were compliments of her sweet Nanny, and while her dad didn't exactly approve of them(too high, he says), the purchase of 2 new shoes (on sale for $17 total) made Sarah positively giddy. Her words--Happiness is Jesus, cheerleading, and new shoes!!!

Hannah, the entertainer

Usually, about dinnertime, Hannah decides that she is going to entertain us. Tonight, we were waiting for Maranda to get here to have dinner, and I guess her inner clock went off...and she was ready for her show. She stood on the coffee table (I know, bad mom) and gave us quite the show--singing, dancing, and cheering. Her latest cheer? "D-O-G, D-O-G, D-O-G! GoooooooDawgs! Sic em!" Somehow...Maddy's spelling lesson + overexposure to UGA football= her favorite (and only) cheer!

It is 3:30 Tuesday morning. I have not been asleep since 6:45 Sunday morning.

Can I just say again....Insomnia stinks.

It's not even that I am that uncomfortable--sure there's the need to get up and go to the bathroom every hour, the heartburn, the baby constantly rolling. But mostly, it's just the inability to go to sleep. I will just about be there, and jerk awake. Time after time after time.

And then I will sit there and watch the clock...thinking...how am I going to do this? I have to be up at 7:45. Why God???

My precious daughter, Sarah, even took Hannah in her own room for the night...on a pallet on the floor, so that I could go all night without a visitor. And yet here I sit, 3:30...awake. Wanting to cry, not understanding how my mind can fight my body so fiercely, knowing that it is not good for me or the baby. Here I sit at 3:30, wondering how I am going to go back to work and actually function. Praying that this baby comes sooner than the 6 weeks and 3 days expected. And how sad is it that I know I will get more sleep once I am up every two hours with a newborn than I am as a hugely pregnant woman?

I wish there were a disconnect for my brain. A way to just turn it off. A way to let my body do what God intended it to do at night...rest.

I have quoted scripture in my head, prayed, meditated, taken a warm bath, had some milk,cried, lay on the other end of the bed, read the Bible, read my trashy novel, counted backwards from 1000, and gone to the bathroom 14 times.

Laying next to someone who doesn't get it. Whose head hits the pillow and soon after, his breathing tells me he is asleep. Someone who doesn't deal with the issues in his head--perhaps he doesn't have them, or perhaps he is better at just giving them up. Getting up to grouchy teenagers because they were up til midnight and awakened at 11. Greeting the morning and an energetic 3 year old who wants to play.

Again...insomnia...stinks.

This is what I came home to Saturday morning after helping with the prayer breakfast at church. My very own superhero....cape and all. Sarah had taken an old piece of material for the cape and Hannah had found an old Georgia pom pom. All you have to do is fall on the floor, or pretend to be hurt or dead (morbid, I know...but she thought of it!), and she goes and stands on a chair, raises her right hand, and says, "Da da da da da! Superman! I will go and save someone!" Then swoop down and kiss you on the cheek, and poof...of course, you will be all better. I mean, how could you not when being kissed by a superhero as cute as this???

And how often these days I need my very own superhero to swoop down and rescue me from my anxiety, my weariness, my sadness, my hopelessness, my total and complete self involvement during times as these. Luckily, gratefully, and mercifully, I do...in Jesus. It's just remembering this, focusing on this, and celebrating in this in the tough times that I need to work on. For He is watching me, allowing me to suffer in order to build me up, and waiting for me to realize that He is greater than this season, greater than my anxiety, and able to leap tall buildings (or my own walls that I have built) in a single bound!