The ABC’s of Me

F

Fear

 

Dale Carnegie once said, "Fear doesn't exist anywhere except in the mind." My life, unfortunately, has been a testament to this statement.  I have been in a constant battle with my mind for as long as I can remember.   

 

As a child, my mother says I would practice any new skill in the basement before doing it in front of my friends.  I'd fall off my bike without training wheels a hundred times in the partially unfinished basement to avoid falling off in the street in front of our house.  Later in my childhood, I developed a crippling fear of dogs after getting attacked by an Irish Setter.  Then it was tornadoes and my parents getting a divorce.  Mrs. Poole, my fourth grade teacher with the giant afro and the gold front tooth and fire, when a string of arson fires were set in the surrounding woods around our house.  Probably most irrational was my fear of being executed.  Never mind that I was probably the most obedient child ever, and that I always followed the rules. 

 

As a young adult, my fears were mostly based on what others thought of me.  I hated being the center of attention, hated to do anything that brought attention to myself, hated to meet new people.

 

Until this point, most of my fears were unfounded.  Except the dog attack, none of the things that terrified me had ever happened.  I had never been in a tornado, my parents were happily married, and the closest I ever came to the electric chair was a string of speeding tickets.  No one ever laughed at me for doing something stupid, and most everyone who I met liked me.

 

Then I turned 30.  There is nothing magical or maniacal about that age.  It just happened to be the age I was when my entire life was upended.  My husband left me.  I lost my home.  I was unemployed and had three small children to provide for.  For the first time in my life, people were talking about me.  I was doing things that I thought I would never do, seeing things I thought I never would see, going places I swore I never would.  But throughout it all, I kept it together and stayed strong for my children.  I wanted to keep their childhood as stable and fear-less as possible.

 

Just when I had made it through the hardest times and was starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel, the fear consumed me.  This time, there was no momma to drive me to the bus stop so I didn't have to face the dogs, or school nurse to assure me that I was OK and could return to class, or book I could disappear into to avoid other people.  This time, the fear gripped me so tightly that I could not function.  I took care of my children, put them in bed, and retreated to my bedroom where I would fight through the fear, one debilitating panic attack after another until morning light.

 

Fifteen years later, and I am still fighting through the fear.  I no longer suffer panic attacks, due partially to medication, partially to my wonderful husband and the stability he has provided, and mostly due to my faith and a loving and merciful heavenly Father.  Dogs do not scare me any more, nor do tornadoes.  I am fairly certain that my parents will remain married, and that I will not die in the electric chair.  I do believe, though, that just as some people are born with brown eyes, that I was born to bear this burden, as part of God's plan for my life.  

 

"I am not afraid of tomorrow, for I have seen yesterday and I love today."
William Allen White

 

The ABC’s of Me

E

Elin Hilderbrand

 

It all started with this book, this love affair I seem to be having with Elin Hilderbrand's books.  I picked it up at the grocery store, and started reading about noon.  By nine the next morning, I had done nothing else that wasn't absolutely necessary, including sleep, and it was finished.

 I went on to read every other book that she has ever written, and in the process have fallen in love with her writing and the very idea of living in Nantucket.  I've never been to Nantucket, mind you, but all of her novels are set on the island, and before you knew it, I found myself googling rentals there.  Of course, it doesn't mention in the book how outrageously expensive it is to live or vacation there.  All of her characters are just normal people with normal problems, just with the beach in Nantucket as the background.

My very favorite book that she has written is The Blue Bistro.  I love the detail that she put into the book and I think having worked at a restaurant for a few years in college, I was on familiar turf.

 Her next book is due out on June 26, and I've already pre-ordered it for my Nook.  I can't wait!

I'm desperately looking for a new author to read.  A year between Elin Hilderbrand books is just too long!

The ABC’s of Me

D

Diet Coke

 

If you know me at all in real life, this one was easy.  It's the way I have started each day since this delicious goodness came into being.  It's what's gotten me over the afternoon slump each day so that I could impart wisdom (cheerfully) to my sweet first graders.  It's the only thing to drink with pizza and it's a crime to eat a Chick Fil A biscuit without one.  Sometimes, I just need it.  I will go on to embarrass myself by admitting to digging in old purses and searching in all of our three cars for change so I could afford one.  Ahhhh....and yes, it was worth it.

 

Cue scene interrupting record scratch....

Because in the last two weeks, I have had exactly 2.  And one was caffeine free, so it didn't count.  You see, my family decided that I should give it up.  "You'll get cancer," "It's so bad for you!"  "You don't really need it!" "It's the diet coke!" (that last one in response to one of the many times I have totally and completely forgotten why I had walked into the kitchen or what I was going to say or where my phone was when I had just called my mother on it)

 

I know it's not good for me.  I know it is unhealthy.  I know I don't need it.  Finally I got tired of their bugging me, and just did it.  Gave it up.  Cold turkey.

 

And this is the part where I'm supposed to admit that I feel soooo much better.  That I don't miss it a bit and that I love water now.  That my memory and overall cognitive functioning have improved.  That I'm not the least bit bitter that some people can drink a gallon of tea a day and it's OK.  Or that others can eat NO vegetables and that's not taboo either. 

 

 Well, that isn't happening yet.  I still don't love water.  I still forget things.  Regularly.  And long about 2:00?  I crave a cold diet coke.

 

The nectar of the proverbial gods, I tell you.

 

The ABC’s of Me

C

Coupons

About a year ago, I got hooked on TLC's show, Extreme Couponing.  I watched in awe as these people bought a thousand dollars worth of groceries for  pennies.  Daryl looked at me during one of the episodes and he said, "You know, we could do that."  And thus my coupon habit began.  I had tried using coupons before and always found that I could save more money shopping generic.  I was earning extra money that summer tutoring, so I decided to just coupon that summer and create a stockpile and see if I could save on our grocery budget during the school year.  We finished the summer with a small stockpile, mostly toothpaste, deoderant, shampoo, and feminie products.  I found that to be an extreme couponer you needed some basics that I just didn't have:  about 30-40 hours a week, a lot of extra space, and really...money.  In order to just shop sales and coupon deals, you have to already have your basics.

So....an extreme couponer, I am not.  But I DO love my coupons and my coupon binder.  I save about 30-40% at the store each trip.   I do manage to get things for pennies, but not in great quantities, as most stores have changed their policies due to this show.  And it is the one place that I can stay organized.  In fact, I even get a little excited, even anal, about it.

 So this summer, with my tutoring money, I'll be building up our stockpile again...and just a little  bit giddy about it! 

The ABC’s of Me

B

Books

First of all, I must clarify and correct something that I posted about yesterday.  What you see below is the statue that my father so eloquently called the "giant hemorrhoid."  My friend, Lynn, commented to tell me that one of her relatives had been commissioned to make a statue that symbolized the marble flowing up from the ground (I failed to mention the marble quarry in Sylacauga).  The other statue must have been made after we left, because as I pulled up the picture below of said statue in front of the library, I knew that was it.



As I pulled up this picture, I also got my B topic for the day...Books.

You see, my love affair with literature began when we moved to Alabama.  I had always enjoyed reading, but when we moved, it became a defense mechanism.  I was and am almost painfully shy and insecure about meeting new people.  While I was thrown into small town southern life, it took a while before I felt like I really fit in, and in the meantime, there were many many hours spent in my room, laid across my pink shag carpet, book in hand.  Once I did have my group of friends, I was hooked, and I continued through my childhood and adolescence, nose planted firmly in a book.  In fact, one summer, I read through the entire teenage section of the library in alphabetical order.  I devoured Nancy Drew, the Bobsey Twins, Judy Blume, and anything and everything by Beverly Cleary. 

All through grade school, I read through the grade level books and SRA's by October and was left to read whatever I wanted.  When I got to sixth grade, I met the woman who both terrified me and sparked my interest in literature even more:  Penelope Moore.

Ms. Moore was the accelerated reading teacher and she challenged us to read as many Newberry Books as we could.  To this day, Island of the Blue Dolphins, The Egypt Game, From the Mixed Up Files of Basil D. Frankweiler, and Jacob I Have Loved bring back such sweet memories.  I even bought them for my own children to read, and was sorely disappointed when they wouldn't even try to read them, preferring Harry Potter instead.

As a teacher, teaching reading is my strength.  I have over 1000 books in my classroom library.  There are a few special ones that I keep in a special place, but for the most part, it is a raggedy collection--old childhood books, books from Goodwill and yard sales and thrift stores, and books donated to me by students.  But that isn't why most of them are well worn.  It's because they are well loved and well read....by 6 year olds.  What joy it brings to my heart to send them out of first grade with a love of reading.

As a woman, reading has been my constant.  Through moves, through children, through a divorce.  I finish each book, thinking that I could never be transported like that again, only to immediately be sucked in again with the beginning of a new chapter.

My first grade class chipped in and got me a Nook Color for the end of the year gift, and I have been reading some on that this summer.  And while I enjoy the technology--hey, you don't need a flashlight to read in bed!--I miss the feel of a book.  The experience of a book.  The going into the book store or library (which I cannot go in ever again because I owe $50 in late fees) and losing myself for hours, pouring over the shelves.  The crinkly sound of a library book and the feel of well worn pages.  The feel of it in my hands.

Speaking of which....

Off to Nantucket Island...

in my latest book!

The ABC’s of Me

A

Alabama

You've heard the jokes.  The jokes about marrying your cousin.  Living in a trailer park.  Being stupid, married to your cousin and living in a trailer park.  Well, folks, I laugh along with the rest of them, mostly because it is being made at my expense after I've done something incredibly foolish.  Because yes, I did grow up in Alabama.  Sylacauga, Alabama.  Halfway between Birmingham and Montgomery.  Home of the Aggies, and birthplace of Jim Nabors.  Population 12,008 (at the time....they were very proud of surpassing 12,000).  Fifty nine churches.  One liquor store.  A movie theater that showed two movies.  And one looong street perfect for cruising with your friends on a Friday night.  Up the road, past the movie theater, the arcade, the Pizza Hut.  Turn left into the new McDonald's parking lot, circle the lot, and cruise back down.  Repeat ad nauseum.

We moved there when I was in third grade.  I had been born in California and then we moved to Wisconsin.  I distinctly remember sitting on the bed in the hotel the night before we left, lifting Valentines from my tin foil covered mailbox and crying about the friends I missed already.  Barry Manilow singing, "I Write the Songs" in the background didn't help my somber and ever dramatic mood.  I remember leaving in the snow.  My dad, at my mother's insistence, jumping a fence so he could pick us some real cotton. 

Then there was my first day of school.  I wore a dress, because in Wisconsin, that's what you did.  I walked in and everyone had on jeans.  To add insult to injury, they had a tornado drill and there I was on my knees, hiney in the air, book over my head...IN A DRESS.  There were some other surprises that first day-getting in trouble for not saying "ma'am," devotion time after lunch, and not understanding what "carrying," "borrying," and "yonder" meant.  And then there was that question--"So who ya for?....huh?...who ya for?...Alabama or Auburn?"  Through the year, I learned to say "ma'am" and "sir" and all of the words to hymns and old spirituals.  I learned to fear the paddle--corporate punishment was still alive and kicking.  I settled in to small town, southern life.

We were there from the middle of my 3rd grade year  until the end of 11th grade.  Yes, we moved my senior year, but that is a subject for another post.  I did most of my growing up there, experienced many "firsts" there, and I have a lot of good memories.  Some really disturbing memories--the KKK marching at the end of our Christmas parade, walking to school from a friend's house past a burning cross, a high school garage band playing and singing "Cocaine" at our middle school assembly, and a high school special treat--watching the original "Psycho" on the big screen in the auditorium.  But mostly, I have good memories.  As I was searching for pictures for this post, I got so nostalgic, I might have shed a tear.

Main Street

 Sylacauga High School

It pretty much looked like this when I was there too.  Every morning, all of the students gathered in front of the school until the bell rang.  I had my mom drop me off at the corner so I wouldn't be seen riding with....gasp...my mother.

 St. Andrew's Episcopal Church

We went every Sunday.  My dad was the vestry treasurer, my brother and I were the youth, I was the organist (the very bad organist), and my mom was the Sunday School teacher.

Municipal Pool

Many  many days spent there for swim meets.  I was on the swim team, but not a great swimmer (I joined after the unfortunate arrival of adolescence and my hips), but I have such fond memories of swim meets.  I didn't like the competition, but I loved the community. (and the tan....even then, I loved me some good tan lines)

 The Rec

Every day, I'd walk here after school with my friends and hang out here for an hour til my mom came and got me.  I watched Luke and Laura get married here.  Had a screaming match with Sheree Poore in the bathroom over a boy here.  Slow danced with Jeff Sanders, the love of my junior high life.

The Giant Hemorrhoid

Actually it's a statue of a meteorite that hit a woman in her home as she was laying on the couch watching TV.  She was the first person ever to be hit by a meteor.  Pretty impressive.

But my dad thought it looked like a giant hemorrhoid.  And well, it sorta stuck.

There is so much more I could write about, but honestly, I wouldn't have gotten around to posting today.  As it is, I spent a good three hours googling different things in Sylacauga and having some sweet memories.  It was a good childhood and it was a good place to grow up.  So don't believe the jokes.  I have my master's degree.  I am NOT married to my cousin.  And I have never lived in a trailer park.

There is hope for Alabamians yet.





Long Time, No Blog

It's been a while since I last blogged.  A long while.  Like since February.  I didn't even blog about Josh's 20th birthday.  Or Hannah's 6th birthday complete with Pinterest inspired super cute birthday party.  The horror.  What kind of blogger does that?????  Can I even consider myself a blogger anymore, given I don't blog any more????

In my defense, I have been just a little busy.



But really, it's not an excuse.  I miss blogging.  Every day, I start at least one blog post in my head.  Unfortunately, it's usually while I'm doing something else, and by the time I have time to blog, it is long forgotten.  So, in an attempt to jumpstart my blog again, I'm starting something new tomorrow.

        The ABC’s of Me

 So, for my one reader I have left (Hi, Mom!), tomorrow, I begin a new journey.  A journey back to blogging.  I hope you'll join me!