Every day, I compose about three blog posts in my head. Not surprisingly, and very obviously, they never make it to fruition. I could say that I have been incredibly incredibly busy. Because I have been. Incredibly. Very incredibly even. I could say that I lost the camera, because there for a while, I had. As it turns out, it wasn't really lost but hanging on the hook under the diaper bag. Had I not been afraid to admit it, someone would have probably pointed it out to me, but as it was, I really didn't want to admit it on a blog my husband reads and I knew it would show up eventually. But really, beside the fact that I was just really really tired, the reason I haven't blogged is that I was following my momma's advice: If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all.
Since coming back from Chattanooga, I've been in a bit of a funk. I've had a hard time balancing everything in my life, and so nothing is really going the way that I would like it to. I was spending so much time and energy on my health and exercising that the house suffered--and more than usual. I spent my time after school working out, so I didn't have my usual planning time, and it showed in my classroom. I made me a priority each and every day, and it showed. And as I so often do when I'm in a funk, I started comparing myself to others. I don't go looking for opportunities to do this....they just seem to materialize.
Take last week for example. I am an avid blog reader. I love to read, and I love to have a peek into the lives of others. And in one of the blogs I read, Kelly's Korner, there is a weekly feature where the readers post pictures of their houses. One week may be dining rooms, another master bathrooms. This week was living rooms. And 223 people posted pictures of their perfect, immaculate, beautifully decorated living rooms. (And yes, mom, some of them worked, and some of them have 5 children) And even though you saw the odd toy basket or two, the floors were clean, there were no bottles of ketchup or stray glasses laying around, and there was an amazing absence of "stuff"(and writing of stray H's on the furniture). There were, though, lovely fall decorations. I want lovely fall decorations.
And when I started thinking about wanting lovely fall decorations, I thought...why? We are never home. We average being home 4 hours a day that we are awake. When we are home, no one comes over. And really? Hannah and Charlotte would have them pulled down and played with and eventually lost or ruined or the dogs would eat them. But still. I want the wherewithall to have lovely fall decorations. Fall decorations say to me that you have your life together enough to spend the time and effort to decorate more than once a year. That you have put them in a box somewhere labeled clearly (thus you were able to find them), and on the day you think you need to put them out, you actually remember and do it (and the boxes don't stay piled on the stair landing until it's time to get out your winter decorations.) That you have pride in your home and how it looks.
And I realized that I don't have a whole lot of pride in our home because it's always messy. always cluttered. Things are stained, broken, and not in their right places. And I want to get it together so I can get it together, but I am tired. So tired. And as stupid as it sounds, my house has defeated me. I raise the white flag of surrender. I cannot keep it like I want. I cannot keep it 'lovely fall decorations' ready. And this makes me crabby.
And this is the part where you say, "Look at all you have you big crybaby! Get off your ample rear and just do it. Quit whining and enjoy your five beautiful, healthy children and your wonderful husband. You have a job you love and are good at. You are healthy. You have a roof over your head and clothes on your body. You are a child of God...and what else really matters?" Because I say that to myself so very often.
So I've made a decision to work on the house, yes. But to also work on a better attitude. An attitude of acceptance and peace. That right now, I'm doing the best I can (but am I?) and the lovely fall decorations can wait. That eventually, I will have furniture that doesn't have stains, carpet that doesn't have stains, and walls with no fingerprints. Eventually, I will have time to get it all together and I won't end up on an episode of Hoarders. I'll have curtains--window treatments even, patio furniture, and matching dishes--that aren't plastic. (Did I mention in this fantasy that I am a size six, Teacher of the Year, driving a vehicle without french fries under the seats, and sleeping 8 hours a night?)
So look for more blog posts. And now that I've found the camera, more pictures. And I won't make any promises, but a maybe someday, some lovely fall decorations.