Saturday, February 28, 2009
2. I finally, after 2 weeks of waiting, got the replacement belts for my vacuum cleaner. I have been without a vacuum cleaner for almost a month, forced to borrow my mother in law's every week. Four dogs with no vacuum cleaner is NO fun.
3. Upwards soccer. Love love love this program, and they extended the age limit up to 6th grade, so Maddy can play again. I love going to the games, and there's only one practice per week. Plus, at half-time, the kids get a message. Good, Christian coaches and Maddy loves it. I was actually missing going somewhere for the kids every week--we haven't since cheerleading and cross country have ended.
4. The possibility...however small it may be...of snow! I don't want to live in Michigan, I don't want days and days of it. I just want ONE snow day. Just one.
On the other hand...I'm spotting again. I know that on Wednesday, everything was fine with the baby, and that it probably still is. My midwife says not to worry--as it is light and only infrequently--and to try to cut back on what I am doing and not worry unless it gets worse or I start cramping. She says that with four kids and a full time job, that it's hard to not overdo it (which is true) and that at my age (ARRRGH!) it's normal. Plus something about a friable cervix. So I'm trying not to worry. But how do you manage to take it easy and take care of the little one inside of me, when the little ones (and not so little ones) outside need so much?
Friday, February 27, 2009
Still can't find the camera, but have had tons of cute photo opportunities and funny little stories to go with them. Ironic, huh? When I find it, no one will do anything the least bit exciting.
My weary brain can't think of anything to say tonight other than, "Yawwwwnnn...I'm going to bed."
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
We went today for our 12 week scan and the nuchal translucency test, and all looked perfect! It actually looked like a baby this time and we got some good pictures.
NOW...it seems real to me. Scary real, but real.
5 weeks until our "big" ultrasound! :)
Now, one of the very favorite stories Josh loves to tell about me is about when the last time he had a stomach bug (years ago, by the way) he came to tell me he was throwing up in the middle of the night and I, in all of my sleepy glory, felt his head, patted him on the back and told him he would be ok and to go back to bed. Over the next few hours, he came down to our room several times, and each time I reacted the same way. Finally the poor boy took his comforter into the bathroom and fell asleep on the floor. He tells this to spotlight my "finer" mom moments (as well as the famed "hot dog incident" that will live in infamy within our family forever). In my defense, I have been known to have entire hour long conversations on the phone in my sleep and not remember it. Anyways, remembering this, I got up and took care of my baby boy until 4:00, when I sent him to bed with a barf bowl and only a 101 degree fever.
On my way back to bed, I hear great shrieks from Hannah's room. I mean, I was sure that she had thrown up. She was hysterical. When I went in there to check on her, I found a clean bed but one very little upset little girl with....drumroll please..."a runny nose." A runny nose? Are you kidding me? All of that because you have a runny nose? So I got her a "napkin" cuddled and snuggled her like a good mom, lay on her floor so she could go back to sleep. I got to bed about 4:30, only to awakened again at 5:00 by more screaming about a runny nose.
This time, since it was over the monitor, I felt completely justified in ignoring it (knowing that Daryl would ignore it and assume I would get her) and finally, he went to her. Yes!!! I had an hour before I had to get up. Two minutes later, Hannah is in our bed...ON MY SIDE...and Daryl has turned his back on us and gone to sleep.
So I'm tired. Really tired. Unbelievably tired. The "oh my gosh, won't this baby please sleep" tired of having a newborn. OH MY GOSH...I am going to have a newborn! I don't know if I'm ready for that again...ready or not, though, here it comes, HUH?
And it doesn't look like tonight will be any better...I deposited Hannah on the couch with an episode of Caillou and went to get dressed, and when I was coming back, she was drinking out of Josh's glass. Just great.
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
Yesterday? I woke up with my alarm, scrubbed my face with sugar scrub for that "fresh from the spa" feeling, dressed in my matching skirt and sweater with pantyhose AND heels. I engaged my children in conversation on the way to school, greeted each student at the door with a smile and a hug, and was an effective, fun, nice teacher. At home, I made dinner, played with Hannah, and enjoyed my family. And then stayed up to 11:00 because I was relaxed, refreshed, recharged, and not nauseous!
Today? Not so much. I woke up before my alarm because Daryl was rocking the bed in an attempt to get me to stop snoring (I tell you...delivery is the only cure for this one...it starts when I get pregnant and doesn't go away until all the water weight is gone) So feeling guilty, and sad, just a little ticked off (after all, he had gone to bed at 9), I threw on a pair of pants and a hide your butt sweater (because the butt...growing at a faster pace than the belly, unfortunately). The girls, sensing my mood, listened to their MP3 players the entire way to school. Let's just say that before 8:30, I had a child pee on the floor, two children fight under a desk over an eraser, and another lose a hearing aid. Four hours, two spilled water bottles, a six year old tantrum, and countless nose pickings later, it was Bible time.
Bible time is usually a peaceful time in our classroom. It is the one time during the day that I can count on having everyone's attention. Everyone listens, everyone participates, everyone enjoys. Today, though, they came to the "carpet" fighting and fussing and rolling on the floor. Before I could make it over there, the same two boys that were fighting over the eraser were fighting over who got to sit on the elephant. I gave them a long speech about preparing our hearts before we come for Bible time, about coming with an open, loving, and forgiving heart, and about being calm and quiet and listening to what God had to say to us. They all nodded in agreement, all earnest and sincere. We ended up having a great lesson about the ten lepers and the one who came back to say thank you. And then it hit me.
Had I prepared my heart this morning? Had I taken the time to be still and listen? Had I stopped this morning and thanked God for all of the blessings he has given me? Instead of perusing Facebook this morning, I should have spent the extra 45 minutes in His word. Instead of mourning my lost sleep, I should have been celebrating this quiet, uninterrupted time I could have with the Lord. It's days like this where I realize my dependence on Him, my own weaknesses, His unmatchless grace. It's days like this that I need to be thanking him...for days like this.
Monday, February 23, 2009
A sick boy--who checked out, went to the dr. and then checked back in again (the power of first love). A tired husband with a stomach ache--who's gone to bed. Two teenagers who have nothing to do, but won't go to bed. And a chatty two year old who is still talking, despite being put in bed an hour ago("Hannah," "what?" "whatcha doin?" "I read books in my bed"--this conversation is going on between Hannah and ....herself).
And me...for the first time in as long as I can remember, I am not tired, not sick. I think I may have turned the corner!
Sunday, February 22, 2009
Here's Hannah coming out of the Dwarf House. She just loves the little door, and she was rarin' to go to the circus! I made her take a nap before we went, and from the moment she awoke, she thought we should go to the circus "right now!"Here's the gang in our seats...couldn't get Hannah to smile. I think she is tired of me following her around with a camera!
I am missing my laptop right now. It had a wonderful program where I could fix all of the pictures. I feel like all of these pictures are blurry and far away! I must figure out how to do this on the desktop.
Friday, February 20, 2009
We got to the airport at about 8:15. Their plane was supposed to land at 8:30 and I like to be there when he lands. As it turned out, his plane didn't land until 9:18...so we had some time to wait. Here's Sarah, Maddy, and Maranda waiting patiently.
Along the outside of the Atrium were all sorts of restaurants, and one featured a piano bar. Hannah loved this and spent a good deal of her time watching him play. He even played "Jesus Loves Me," "Mary Had a Little Lamb," and the theme from Sesame Street for her.
Thursday, February 19, 2009
About that time, my bedroom door flies open and there stands Hannah, huge smile on her face, "I'm done Mommy! Time to wake up!"
I only hope that she decides to stay IN her bed tonight and doesn't wander down the steps in the dark.
Everywhere I have looked today, I have been bombarded with images and writings that have made me feel even worse about the undomestic goddess that I really am. Oprah today? All about decluttering your home, and how the state of your home is really all about the state of your life. Oh my goodness...I hope not, although somedays I feel like it. In my daily Google reader list, one of my favorite blogs, The Barefoot Mama, was all about how she loves to keep house. And she just happens to be one of the most genuine, honest, sweet, in love with Jesus, people I have ever had the pleasure of knowing.
And even though my house is as clean as it ever gets around here (except for the fact that the vacuum is broken and I have to borrow my mother in law's once a week) and my laundry is DONE every day, and even though I have cooked every day this week, I don't love it. I wish I did. I try to. I love having a clean house. I imagine when I walk into other people's houses that are clean and neat and beautifully matched without dog hair and without H's drawn on the back of their couches that their lives are so much simpler and calmer than mine. Hmmm...maybe there is something to the cluttered house=cluttered life.
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
It appears that Hannah went to see Sarah in her room and Sarah fixed her up a "costume." Brings back memories, as Sarah and Maddy, not too long ago, often entertained us with fashion shows.
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
She missed her nap because she was playing at Nanny and PawPaw's house while I took the girls to a movie, and all of her big girl work must have just worn her out!
Monday, February 16, 2009
Sunday, February 15, 2009
Saturday, February 14, 2009
Daryl had to work alllll day, so I spent the day at home with my girls. My big girls pretty much kept to themselves most of the day, but Hannah was my shadow all day. "Wait for me!" was her cry any time I left the room. This afternoon we pulled out her favorite...play-doh..for an hour and a half. Here she is excited about her new 10 pack of play-doh! Rolling out her "snake"
What a sweet Valentine!
Friday, February 13, 2009
Then just a few random pictures...
Josh and Maranda--
Happy Friday everyone....and it is indeed FRIDAY!! And better yet, the Friday before a week off--9 whole days--of school!!!!!
Thursday, February 12, 2009
I came home yesterday at 10 with some sort of stomach bug. Felt awful all day.
Last night my 18 year old, incontinent cat finally died. While we have been watching and waiting for a while, and while I have several times in fits of anger wished he would die already, this hit me hard. Maybe because he was my very first baby. Maybe because I had never really seen an animal dying before. But yesterday I was there the whole day.
My sweet husband--how did I get so lucky?--who is allergic to cats and whose shoes were so very often the target of Rufus' pee-capades, sat with him for an hour last night before we went to bed and took care of him this morning so I wouldn't have to see him.
but today is a new day...and it's bound to be better!
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
So anyways...I got dressed this morning and went to wake up the kids. Sarah, who usually gives me one or two incoherent responses before I have to raise my voice, opened her eyes...looked at me...and said, "OOOOH! Cute shoes!" Maddy, who is more than reluctant to wake every morning and whose morning routine usually involves some sort of crying about the fact that she doesn't want to get up, greeted me with a "Come here... You look so pretty...and I LOVE those shoes!"
And of course, here are my girls trying on my shoes...the new tradition every time a new pair of shoes comes into the house.
Monday, February 9, 2009
This was a huge thing for me today, to take a walk. I did it yesterday afternoon too, as we didn't have night church and I had some free time. OK...not so free, but I chose to make it that way! I didn't feel like it yesterday, and I didn't feel like it today, but I did it anyways, and it did make me feel so much better and so much more energized. I am hoping that I can keep this up and get some exercise every day. So far during this pregnancy, my exercise has been limited to walking from the bathroom to the couch, or walking to the kitchen to get something to eat. If I were Jewish, I'd say "Oy vey."
My body does pregnant only one way: fat. No sweet little baby bump for me. My whole entire body gets fat. It happened with the first three--even though I watched what I ate for the most part. Then with Hannah, inspired by my beautiful neice who is just the most beautiful pregnant woman and doesn't ever look swollen or tired (yes, you, Kristin!) I thought...hey...I can do that! I'll eat right. I"ll exercise. I'll drink lots of water. And I did. And I did OK until the eighth month when I gained 62 pounds...mostly in water.
This pregnancy has started off pretty much the same...fat. It doesn't help, I know, that when I got pregnant, I had been on an extremely low carb/hi protein diet, eating almost entirely fruits and vegetables and grilled lean meat. Then came the sickness and the smell of a vegetable (except baby carrots, for some reason) made my stomach turn. And what made me feel better? Dairy and carbs. So my body has been on sort of a revolt, and I am truly scared to see the scale tomorrow at the doctor. Even though I KNOW that I can lose it once the baby is born, and even though I KNOW that I have not been eating nearly as much as I could be (and have been known to when I am not dieting), it's still hard to see those numbers go up and get the tsk tsk from the doctor.
And to add insult to injury tomorrow, guess what I get to do???? Watch a 40 minute educational video about pregnancy and childbirth. Like if I wasn't such a sissy and needed the epidural, I couldn't do this myself! All of that and probably not being able to hear the heartbeat yet...it would be worth it for that!
Sunday, February 8, 2009
Me: Hannah, do you want to ride with me or Daddy?
Sarah: Are you going to ride with Maddy?
Sarah: Are you going to ride with Rah-Rah?
Sarah: Who else is going to ride with us? Is Jesus going to ride with us?
Hannah: NO! Jesus can not ride with us. There are enough people in our car already!
First of all...I don't know how to post pictures from the desktop. I've tried, they've showed me, but the software is different and once I get them downloaded, I can't ever find them. So much more difficult than just plugging my camera into the side of the laptop and hitting a button.
Secondly...I now have to fight three teenagers (doing homework, Facebook, and checking email), one husband (finishing a dissertation), and a two year old (watching Dora) for the computer.
Thirdly...ALL of my school stuff that I have created in the last year and a half is on that laptop. Unsaved to disk, of course.
And perhaps most irritating of all...it is very hard to assume the "Oh my gosh, I think I'm going to die or throw up" position while on the desktop. It was such a luxury to be able to lay prostate on the couch in the evenings, in the middle of the night, in the early morning hours while still being able to enter grades, type newsletters, create worksheets, surf the net, answer e-mail etc.
Oh well...maybe a sign that I was too dependent on it? That my time could be better spent elsewhere? That my enjoyment of other people's blogs and Facebook (so very very cool) was bordering on addiction?
In other strange going ons...
This afternoon is our international potluck at the church to celebrate missions month. Each year, Josh and Daryl attack various ethnic dishes (mostly Asian, and mostly involving some sort of fish sauce--yuck). This year, Sarah wanted in on the fun and Maranda came over to experience it as well. As I was putting Hannah to bed last night, they were off to the International market to get supplies. When Hannah and I finally moved downstairs to our bedroom because it was "too noisy" and sounded like "scary monsters," they were chopping and food processing and banging around in the kitchen. When Daryl came and got Hannah to put her in her own bed at midnight or so, there was a distinct smell of ...well, I don't know...but under normal circumstances I think it would have been rather pleasurable. As it is, it made me sort of nauseous.
So when I got up this morning at 5:00 am (yes...on. a. weekend) and went into the kitchen to find something that would settle my stomach, I notice a clean kitchen. Odd. Pleasantly so, but still odd. But the kicker is this. Their culinary creations are nowhere to be found. Not in the fridge. Not in the freezer. Not on the counter. Nowhere.
Full moon maybe?
Friday, February 6, 2009
Thursday, February 5, 2009
You might also see a picture of me in my costume for tomorrow. Tomorrow is Book Character Day at our school and we are all supposed to dress up like our favorite book character. Well, asking me to pick my favorite book or favorite character is like asking me to pick my favorite child. I just can't do it. We have had such fun this week reading all the different books that the children have brought in for their book reports to go in for this fun day. It's not often I get to read to them 4-5 story books in a day. We all have been in heaven! Anyways, I have chosen to be the Grouchy Ladybug for tomorrow because a. it's easy, and I can take off my wings and headpiece and look somewhat normal (but uncannily like a deranged UGA fan) and b. it fits my personality lately! I overheard two of my children talking about my costume (I had the wings laid out on the table) and they decided that I "must be the nice ladybug." It's so funny that when I feel like all I've done all day is tell them to be quiet, sit down, settle down, get along, that they still think I'm too sweet to be the grouchy ladybug. Gotta love a six year old!
But...you will see neither of these things, because my camera has disappeared into the dim recesses of my house. It will show up...of this I have no doubt. When and where? That is another question. Yet another reason to become more organized!
Wednesday, February 4, 2009
No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is Faithful; He will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it.
Now, I've read that verse before and thought of being tempted as being tempted by the flesh or worldly desires. As I head into this pregnancy, though, I see it differently. For my temptations lie not so much in worldly things but in the temptation to give into fear.
As long as I can remember, I have feared greatly. There were the three years where I was deathly afraid of dogs and wouldn't leave the house. Then there was my fear of tornadoes. My fear of failure stopped me from trying and doing many things. My fear of imperfection has driven me to do unhealthy things in the name of beauty.
But no fear has completely controlled my life as much as the fear that gripped my very soul as my first marriage fell apart and I got divorced. I have many scars from that time in my life, and many have faded with time, prayer, and forgiveness. One that has not healed, that fades for a while, only to resurface when I least expect it, is the fear of...well...I don't know what it is that scares me. All I know is that when it appears, it completely takes over my thoughts, my emotions, my physical being, my spiritual peace.
For a while, I thought I had conquered it...with medication, therapy, exercise, and at last a safe environment. But then with my last pregnancy, at 22 weeks, Daryl went out of town. And that old fear gripped me like never before. For a week, I was unable to eat, sleep, or work. The panic attack began as soon as I lay down the night he left and continued until he returned and beyond. I was left feeling sad, confused, disappointed in myself, and questioning God. My faith was relatively new...God had brought me through the mess that was my life and brought me Daryl and a second chance. I had turned to Him, turned my life around, was living my life for Him. Why this? Why now?
This time in my pregnancy was so awful, so scary that for that reason alone, I didn't want to do it again. I made sure that I would never have to do it again. But once again, God showed me that it is not me that is in control. and here I am...pregnant...and while I am thrilled to be adding to our family, I am also scared to death. Scared to go through that again. The fear hovers every night as I go to sleep, kept at bay by the presence of my husband, my rock, my stability, my protector beside me. I already know that he will be going out of town again, about the same time in this pregnancy. And this thought terrifies me. What if it happens all over again? What if this begins the downward spiral again?
These are my temptations that I struggle with, and I stuggle on a daily basis. Even now, months before he leaves, the fear is there. Because of the baby, no medication to rely on to get me through it. No husband to lean on. Surrounded by my children, yet alone. And maybe this is the lesson. To rely on God to get me through this pregnancy, through this fear. To give it up to Him and leave it there, confident that he will "bring me through it."
Tuesday, February 3, 2009
The big kids have been playing Wii for the last few hours,
Monday, February 2, 2009
On another note...I can't believe I really posted this picture. Where is that famed pregnancy glow????
Sunday, February 1, 2009
All that to say this...when Satan is at work on me, It is all about me. And Sundays seem to be the time when I most fight this battle. I spent the rest of the ride to church listening to some old hymns on a local radio station and in silent prayer for God to open my ears, my mind, and my heart to what He had to say and show me today. And what a blessing it was. This week was the start of Missions conference at our church and I would have missed some amazing opportunities had I stayed in my self-imposed cocoon of selfishness and self-absorbance.
The children had a Parade of Nations this morning and sang a few songs in different languages. Even though Hannah didn't sing, she did get to dress up and Maddy walked her in. This is Maddy and Hannah before Hannah decided that the stage was not a place for her!