As you come to him, the living Stone--rejected by men but chosen by God and precious to him--you also, like living stones, are being built into a spiritual house to be a holy priesthood, offering spiritual sacrifices acceptable to God through Jesus Christ. 1 Peter 2: 4-5

Wednesday, February 4, 2009

"If God brings you to it, He'll bring you through it"

I'd always heard Christians say this, but quite honestly wasn't sure if it had a scriptural base...until today. My sister gave me a day by day calendar based on Rick Warren's A Purpose Driven Life and the meditation of the day was on 1 Corinthians 10:13.

No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is Faithful; He will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it.

Now, I've read that verse before and thought of being tempted as being tempted by the flesh or worldly desires. As I head into this pregnancy, though, I see it differently. For my temptations lie not so much in worldly things but in the temptation to give into fear.

As long as I can remember, I have feared greatly. There were the three years where I was deathly afraid of dogs and wouldn't leave the house. Then there was my fear of tornadoes. My fear of failure stopped me from trying and doing many things. My fear of imperfection has driven me to do unhealthy things in the name of beauty.

But no fear has completely controlled my life as much as the fear that gripped my very soul as my first marriage fell apart and I got divorced. I have many scars from that time in my life, and many have faded with time, prayer, and forgiveness. One that has not healed, that fades for a while, only to resurface when I least expect it, is the fear of...well...I don't know what it is that scares me. All I know is that when it appears, it completely takes over my thoughts, my emotions, my physical being, my spiritual peace.

For a while, I thought I had conquered it...with medication, therapy, exercise, and at last a safe environment. But then with my last pregnancy, at 22 weeks, Daryl went out of town. And that old fear gripped me like never before. For a week, I was unable to eat, sleep, or work. The panic attack began as soon as I lay down the night he left and continued until he returned and beyond. I was left feeling sad, confused, disappointed in myself, and questioning God. My faith was relatively new...God had brought me through the mess that was my life and brought me Daryl and a second chance. I had turned to Him, turned my life around, was living my life for Him. Why this? Why now?

This time in my pregnancy was so awful, so scary that for that reason alone, I didn't want to do it again. I made sure that I would never have to do it again. But once again, God showed me that it is not me that is in control. and here I am...pregnant...and while I am thrilled to be adding to our family, I am also scared to death. Scared to go through that again. The fear hovers every night as I go to sleep, kept at bay by the presence of my husband, my rock, my stability, my protector beside me. I already know that he will be going out of town again, about the same time in this pregnancy. And this thought terrifies me. What if it happens all over again? What if this begins the downward spiral again?

These are my temptations that I struggle with, and I stuggle on a daily basis. Even now, months before he leaves, the fear is there. Because of the baby, no medication to rely on to get me through it. No husband to lean on. Surrounded by my children, yet alone. And maybe this is the lesson. To rely on God to get me through this pregnancy, through this fear. To give it up to Him and leave it there, confident that he will "bring me through it."

1 comment:

  1. oh, lisa, what an inspiration you are to us all. i always thought it sounds kind of cliche to say that God will not give you more than you can bear (even though it IS in the Bible). but sometimes (maybe even everyday) i think he does gives us more than we can bear, so that like your saying, we will be forced to see our NEED for him. I really will pray for you during this pregnancy. You are so sweet and are an answer to prayer.