Saturday morning came bright and early, as it has for the last 10 weeks since I started going to Weight Watchers meetings. I know in my head why I chose the 8:00 am Saturday meeting--it was a time where I knew no one else in my house would be away and could watch the little girls, it would give me a weigh in time before I had the chance to eat or retain water, and I knew I would never make it to the 6:45 am meeting. I knew I had gone over my points a few days. I knew that the pizza had proved to be too much of a temptation last night. So I wasn't real sure what to expect at the scale. But YES...3 pounds gone, for a total of 22 pounds in all!
From there, I had some time to kill, so I moved on to shopping. Not just any shopping, mind you, but bargain hunting/coupon using shopping. I only had time to go to one store, but this set me back a whopping $0.74! Not too shabby for a beginner, I think.
I didn't want to have to be going there. I knew it would be one of the saddest days things I've ever experienced. But I also knew that I had to. I needed to.
Three days ago, a friend of mine lost her 5 year old daughter. She was running through the house and bumped into a wall, breaking her arm. Trying to calm her at the urgent care center, the doctors gave her some morphine which sent her into cardiac arrest. Her mother watched as the paramedics tried to bring her back, but in the end, her sweet girl had gone to be with Jesus.
I know that she is in Heaven now. That the life and laughter that filled her here on earth fills her in eternity. Oh but how my heart hurts for her mother, her father, and her sister, who was in my first grade class last year. A feeling of helplessness, for what can you say, what can you do that will make any difference? My mama heart is just broken for her, and I wonder how I would even go on. If I could even go on. I've been through some rough stuff in my life, but nothing compared to how they are feeling right now.
As I write this, my little girls-up much too late-are dancing and twirling and laughing. My big girls are downstairs together in our bed, watching TV, excited about going to camp on Monday. My husband is watching baseball, my boy is on his way home from work, and all is right with my world. Sure, it's messy. It's loud. It's chaotic. But it's complete. And they will never be complete again. A Kensley shaped hole in their heart and in their lives for as long as they live.
It's been a long time since I've had a grief headache--a headache from crying so much. I think the last time was when I went through my divorce. Both then, and now, my life and my priorities were put so sharply in perspective. In both instances, I questioned why. On the other side of my divorce, I can see clearly how God worked through everything that happened for my good, just as people told me I would. I can't imagine how or why God would allow this to happen. And maybe I'll never know. But I do know my God. And that He works everything for our good and His glory. That He is unchangeable, and just as He was there for me throughout my divorce, He will be there for her family. And until I understand, and even if I never do, I'll pray. For that's all I know how to do.