My feet...or what used to be my feet...are HUGE. I can not wear any shoes except for my son's size 10 flip flops. I can not bend my legs at the ankle. I have gained 22 pounds in the last month, and if I do say so myself...it is all in my legs and feet. I cannot lift my legs by myself.
I am past looking anything even close to attractive. Gone is the cute pregnant woman. Here is the woman whose belly hangs out of her "go to" big shirts. The woman who has one pair of pants that still fit. The woman who has very few dresses left either because the enormity of her belly has made them all too short, and thereby showing off her newly, simply lovely swollen, fat, ugly knees. The woman who sweats....all. the. time.
I am past being able to do what I want to with Hannah. I want to sit on the floor and play with her. But I can't get down, and if I do, can't get up. Plus, how do you play with a three year old when you have to be elevating your feet???? I want to be able to run around with her. yet, the closest I am to a run is a very slow waddle. And here I sit wanting to spend these last few weeks with her as my baby...my only baby...and I can't. (and yes...now I am crying...something I do quite often lately)
I want to be excited...and most of the time I am. But then I am scared and nervous. Nervous how this will affect our family. Nervous about having to start all over again. Nervous about this one being colicky. Nervous about how it will affect Hannah. Am I ready to give up that little bit of independence I have now? Am I too old to do this again? How in the world am I going to do this again???? And yes...I do realize its a little too late to be thinking this way!
I know I will love her--I already do. I know we will adjust--the senior will probably be a bigger adjustment for us. It's just the enormity of it all...and me...is a bit overwhelming at the moment. Give me a good night's sleep, some chocolate (heck, if I am going to gain over a pound a day, might as well eat!), and a good mood swing...and I'll be just fine. :)