I have had such a hard time this week with sleeping issues, anxiety, panic attacks, and as a result of the first three, depression, that I am ready for this pregnancy to be over with. All of the girls came at 38 weeks, and Josh at 37 weeks, so I am hoping, praying, and keeping my fingers crossed that I have a little under 8 weeks to go....55 days, to be exact.
I realize that everyone's definition of normal is different, relative to them. For me, it is a day without a panic attack. A day without being so stuck inside my head that all I can focus on is how bad it is going to be at bedtime. A day without a racing heart and a sense of dread. A night I sleep. And I had normal, with an off day or two in there, until Sunday. I'm not sure what happened, or what triggered it, but it's here, and if the past is any indication, it is back to stay until I deliver this precious little one.
Last pregnancy, it hit me like a ton of bricks at 22 weeks. Incapacitated me. Totally interfered with my life and the ability to take care of the children. I went to my OB, a psychiatrist, a psychologist, and a Christian counselor, to no avail. And maybe, just maybe, that is what has me so off kilter right now...knowing that there is nothing that can be done. I just need to pull up my big girl panties (which are really really big at this point!) and deal with it. I do remember it getting better at one point...maybe when I was hospitalized and put on bedrest at 31 weeks and realized that I could lay in bed and be miserable all day--for I had no choice.
I think it will get better when I go back to work. I need to get out of my head, focus on something else, to be so intensely involved in preparation as you are at the beginning of the school year, to get back into a routine. But then again, maybe not. I do not know. I only know that I have to use this time to realize that this is a season of my life through which God uses my frailty, my weakness to build my character, to bring Him glory. I have to believe in and cling to the promise of Romans 8:28.
And we know in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose.