It is 3:30 Tuesday morning. I have not been asleep since 6:45 Sunday morning.
Can I just say again....Insomnia stinks.
It's not even that I am that uncomfortable--sure there's the need to get up and go to the bathroom every hour, the heartburn, the baby constantly rolling. But mostly, it's just the inability to go to sleep. I will just about be there, and jerk awake. Time after time after time.
And then I will sit there and watch the clock...thinking...how am I going to do this? I have to be up at 7:45. Why God???
My precious daughter, Sarah, even took Hannah in her own room for the night...on a pallet on the floor, so that I could go all night without a visitor. And yet here I sit, 3:30...awake. Wanting to cry, not understanding how my mind can fight my body so fiercely, knowing that it is not good for me or the baby. Here I sit at 3:30, wondering how I am going to go back to work and actually function. Praying that this baby comes sooner than the 6 weeks and 3 days expected. And how sad is it that I know I will get more sleep once I am up every two hours with a newborn than I am as a hugely pregnant woman?
I wish there were a disconnect for my brain. A way to just turn it off. A way to let my body do what God intended it to do at night...rest.
I have quoted scripture in my head, prayed, meditated, taken a warm bath, had some milk,cried, lay on the other end of the bed, read the Bible, read my trashy novel, counted backwards from 1000, and gone to the bathroom 14 times.
Laying next to someone who doesn't get it. Whose head hits the pillow and soon after, his breathing tells me he is asleep. Someone who doesn't deal with the issues in his head--perhaps he doesn't have them, or perhaps he is better at just giving them up. Getting up to grouchy teenagers because they were up til midnight and awakened at 11. Greeting the morning and an energetic 3 year old who wants to play.